Lily's Wonderland
by Xaviera Xylira
Summary: I like flames. They're funny.
1. Default Chapter

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A/N: Loosely based on the Alice in Wonderland movie by the Hallmark Entertainment people. Lily is Alice, and you'll find out who the other people are. It's probably a weird fic, but hey, so was Alice in Wonderland. If you have any questions about who the characters are, leave a review. If you've never seen the Hallmark version of the book (and only the Disney version) then some of the characters you won't recognize. There will be multiple chapters to this. I'm guessing maybe two to three. This is not going to be some epic fic. It's just a nifty way to think of how Lily might have gone into the Diagon Alley and met everyone. Oh, and the beginning to this is sort of boring, but I promise it gets better. Just stick it out, okay? I don't know when exactly the next chapter will be out. If it's a few weeks or something, just relax, and don't bite my head off. I can't write without a head. _Leave your email address if you want to know when the next chapter is out. _

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Dedications: This fic is dedicated to Elle particularly, because I ran out of roles and so she only gets this really dinky one that doesn't count (I am SO sorry!). Also to Beth, because she's brilliant and she loves the Cheshire Cat almost as much as I do (and Beth, I hope you don't mind, but included the line about braiding hair in here....). And to Reine and Lils, who are just all around great, and I've already done enough for their egos, so if they need me to tell them how wonderful they are again, they can go eat a sock first. 

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Disclaimer: I own neither HP characters nor Alice in Wonderland (book or the movie). The song "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" belongs to the Beatles (you'll encounter it later, and this is the only disclaimer you'll see for the fic). The idea of braiding Dumbledore's hair belongs to Beth the Fox. Don't sue. It isn't worth it. Trust me. 

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Second A/N: I have a fetish with owl-poking and marmalade-dropping and having Petunia unconscious in her cereal. Don't look at me like that. Let me be in my own little weird world. It all makes sense to me. 

~*~

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Lily's Wonderland

Chapter One: All Because of the Owl

~*~

Lily blinked. There was an owl standing in her eggs, and he was holding an odd-looking letter. He stood straight and proud with unruffled feathers, as though he was a very prominent figure attending a stuffy aristocratic event and not just an owl standing in Lily's breakfast. 

Petunia had already shrieked and fainted into her cereal bowl, while Lily's parents stared with bewildered expressions at the large barn owl on their dining table. Lily, meanwhile, was taking a strong dislike to this creature: It had ruined her eggs. She couldn't eat them now that that... _thing_ had stuck it's feet in it. She took the end of her fork (the part that didn't have the sharp points; she didn't want to upset the dratted thing) and prodded it. 

It didn't move. 

__

Stupid, irritating.... Ruined my breakfast.... 

She poked it again, this time with the tines. It blinked with agitation. Lily narrowed her eyes and stabbed it a final time, with considerably more force. It dropped the letter in Lily's bacon and squawked noisily, taking off around the room and nipping violently at Petunia's hair (which was getting soggy with milk as she was still unconscious in her cornflakes), then sniping down at the marmalade with it's talons before flying out the open window. The Evanses looked at each other, then at their oldest daughter, who showed no signs of life, and then to Lily, who was now handling the letter with suspicious curiosity. Lily's narrowed emerald orbs grew larger and larger as they skimmed the yellowed paper, until she let out snort, rolled her eyes, and balled up the letter, tossing it into the garbage can near the door and picking up a piece of toast. 

Mr. Evans took this opportunity to question his daughter on the peculiar episode.

"Lily, darling, what was that letter about? And why was it delivered by... owl?"

"Is this some sort of prank, do you think, John?" said Mrs. Evans to her husband. Lily looked at them.

"Oh, don't worry, Mum. It was just some stupid thing telling me that I was accepted to some school of witchcraft." She rolled her eyes. "Really. Like I'm daft enough to believe _that_..." 

The Evanses looked at each other again, and then at the wastebasket into which Lily had thrown the letter. They turned back to their youngest child. 

"Lily, dear, I don't think I heard you correctly.... Witchcraft?" Mrs. Evans questioned her daughter. 

"Stupid bird ruined the marmalade! Argh!" Lily put her butter knife down disgustedly. "Yes, Mum, witchcraft. Probably some nutter who has an obsession with magical pumpkins or something ridiculous like that.... I'm going to go throw this marmalade out, it's no good with egg bits in it...." The Evanses watched as Lily rose from the table, walking towards the kitchen and muttering about the inconveniences of poultry. 

"Well, that's settled, then," Mr. Evans concluded, and the adults went back to their breakfast, paying no heed to their oldest daughter, who was now snoring into her cereal, making strange bubbly noises in the milk. 

Just as Lily was returning to the table (with a new dish of marmalade in her hands), there was a crash from the hallway, and the Evanses jumped up from their seats, wide-eyed and alarmed. Lily dropped the marmalade and swore under her breath, then bent down to pick it up, while Petunia snorted into her bowl. 

The Evanses made no move towards the hallway; instead, they stood frozen, staring at each other in shocked horror. Just as Lily rose with the broken dish smeared with marmalade, a man entered the dining room who nearly made Lily drop it all over again. 

This man was dressed in an extremely peculiar fashion, wearing something that resembled a very intricate and fancy graduation robe. He also had a very long beard of white, and long hair to match, both of which were just screaming to be braided. Perched atop a very long and crooked nose were half-moon spectacles that seemed to give him a wise look. And on his head sat a tall, pointy, cone-shaped thing, that appeared to Lily quite comical. 

Not the usual attire for a thief or murderer, but to each his own. 

The Evanses stood rooted to the floor, gaping openly with something like terrified astonishment at this stranger. The man smiled warmly. 

Not something you would expect from a burglar or fugitive, but everyone has their quirks. 

"I'm terribly sorry for just dropping in like this, but I was in the neighborhood, and I understand that you're having a slight dilemma accepting the news. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." The Evanses didn't move a muscle. Lily blinked at the weird bloke and screwed up her face in puzzlement and skepticism. Petunia made an odd gurgling sound into her milk. But Dumbledore's smile did not falter a bit. In fact, it seemed to brighten. 

"Lily has been accepted to Hogwarts. This means she is a witch. Isn't that wonderful?" 

No response. 

Dumbledore began to let his smile droop. 

"...She'll be learning magic..." 

Still nothing.

"You _are_ the Evanses, are you not? And you _did_ receive a letter, did you not?"

Absolute silence.

Dumbledore sighed. Petunia made another gurgling sound and Dumbledore glanced at her. Raising an eyebrow, he took out something that Lily could only describe as a smooth and shiny stick, and muttered, "_Ennervate_," pointing it at the older girl. 

Petunia sat up straight, felt her milk-dampened hair, looked at Dumbledore (who was pointing a stick at her, and that counted as some kind of deadly weapon in Petunia's mind), and promptly fell off her chair in a dead faint. Lily looked from her parents, who were staring at the wooden object that had just woken up their daughter, obviously in no state to be of any real assistance, and Petunia, who wouldn't help if she knew how, and sighed. Then, in a very agitated voice, she said to Dumbledore:

"Why can't you just knock on the door like a _normal _person?"

~*~

"...And so you see now that magic really does exist, and that Lily is indeed a witch, and with your permission, she will be attending Hogwarts in order to learn how to use the magic that she contains." 

The Evanses, who were seated on the sofa in the living room, blinked slowly and looked at each other. They hadn't uttered one word since Professor Dumbledore, as he called himself, had made his entrance. Petunia had been abandoned in the dining room, and Lily sat in an overstuffed armchair, arms crossed, eyeing this atypical man with misgiving. She had listened to his absurd ramblings, and was just about to give him a piece of her vastly opinionated mind when her father stood and spoke. 

"Well, erm... though I can't say that I'm not a bit... questioning of what you say, though I notice that, well, you _have _performed magic, and... well, I suppose... that... Well, Kate, what do you think?" Mr. Evans asked his wife, switching the spotlight to her. She snapped her eyes to him (away from Dumbledore's long beard, where she had been staring, pondering whether many little braids would look good or just one large plait) and blinked dazedly before standing as well. Then, taking a deep breath, she said: 

"I believe that, even though I know magic is real now, I just... I don't feel entirely comfortable with the idea of my little girl being away for the entire year, off to some strange school with strange people, in a whole other world... I just don't know if I'm ready for my baby to be leaving so soon." It took all of Lily's self-control not to gag at this statement. 

Professor Dumbledore smiled in a knowing way that made Lily narrow her eyes even more at him. He was an odd one, that was for sure. 

"It's quite all right," said the madman. "Lily has no obligation to attend Hogwarts. Of course, this means she'll never be able to do this---" and Dumbledore waved his stick (which he had explained was a wand) at an old grape juice stain on the carpet, making it ddisappear. "Or this---" He pointed his wand at the hearth and a hearty fire immediately sprang up. "Or this---" He directed his wand to the vacuum that was sitting in the corner of the room, waiting to be used, and it suddenly came to life and began vacuuming the room by itself. "But I don't suppose that those things are very important, as long as Lily leads a normal life." Lily was following this object with her eyes, shock chiseled into her features. It was rather spooky, she thought, to have an un-plugged vacuum cleaner moving around by itself. 

Her parents, on the other hand, were ecstatic. The old coot's tricks had convinced them. Their daughter---their precious---their _baby_---would learn _magic_! And oh, how much _easier _life would be for them! With a flick of her wrist, she'd be able to clean, and cook, and maybe, possibly even _put the cap back on the toothpaste when she was done with it_! What a glorious option! Who cared about a safe, normal life anyway? Life wasn't safe, and normalcy was overrated. And learning magic was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! And Hogwarts, well, yes, good old Hogwarts, what a nice name, and all friendly sounding, and it's a very old school, like the nice man said, very well-known and respected, and they'll teach Lily magic to _clean _things! How positively lovely!

And that is exactly what her parents said as they danced happily around the living room and smiled with dreams of a spick-and-span household while Lily scowled to herself and Dumbledore smiled contentedly and Petunia drooled into the bit of marmalade that was left on the floor in the dining room. 

Of course, Lily was certainly very intrigued about this witchcraft, and she wouldn't mind spending the year away from home and learning magic, nope, not one bit, no Petunia at Hogwarts, but to use her skills to _clean the house_? 

Well. Wasn't that just every eleven-year-old's dream. 

__

Though, Lily mused, _if I get to learn magic like that Dumbledore character, I'll get to make things come alive...._

Lily vaguely wondered whether or not she still had that plush lion. 

~*~

It had been a rather unusual day, Lily reflected later as she lay down on her bed, feeling sleep tugging at her. _Let's see... I wake up to an owl in my breakfast, I get a letter telling me I'm accepted to a magical school, a strange man with a beard that really needs to be braided breaks in and tells me that I really am a witch, Petunia drooled enough to wash her hair, Mum and Dad want me to use my powers to clean the house, and, possibly the weirdest thing of all, my new Beatles record is missing. _

I'll bet that Dumbledore person nicked it. I knew I shouldn't have left it on the coffee table. 

And with these last intelligent thoughts, Lily Evans drifted off to a peaceful slumber, dreaming about a Dumbledore with braids chasing a peculiar white owl with a set of tongs while singing to the Beatles' "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" before slipping in Petunia's puddle of drool and choking on some egg-flavored marmalade. 

Such a sweet little girl, that Lily. 

~*~

When our sweet little girl woke up the next morning, it took her a moment to remember why she had woken up thinking about having anything _but _eggs and marmalade for breakfast. 

When her parents barged into her room, however, waving a familiar-looking, crumpled letter and wearing those annoying, great big grins that people sometimes get when they're exceedingly happy about something and just can't help acting like it, Lily was reminded of everything that had happened the day before. She smiled in anticipation of what she planned on doing today, which was scheduled as follows: 

1. Eat no eggs or marmalade

2. Brag to Petunia about magical abilities

3. Look for Beatles record

4. Tease Petunia about her bath of drool 

5. Learn to French braid

...Quite a lovely layout, really. 

So you can imagine Lily's irritation as her parents hassled her and bustled about her, urging her to hurry and get dressed and make herself look decent, because today they were going to Diagon Alley, that nice place Dumbledore had been telling them about, where they would see magical things to help keep the house clean and get school supplies. And as her parents dragged her out to the car, Lily couldn't help thinking moodily that she had a whole month to get ready, and that this precious time should be spent doing absolutely nothing, as it _was_ summer, after all. 

Lily never was a morning person, something her future husband ought to note and never, ever forget. 

Something her future husband should take care to remember, but the rule did not apply to parents. 

Thus, as Lily's parents enthusiastically chattered about the excitement of her newfound talent, the girl in question trudged dejectedly behind, arms crossed sulkily in front of her, soft pillows and cartoons occupying her thoughts. 

So they were looking for some kind of pub, were they? _Leaky Cauldron_, was it? Lily cast a half-hearted look at her surroundings. Nope. Nothing. She sighed. How were they supposed to find it, anyway? Her parents were obviously not going to be able to help anything, and she didn't have the slightest idea of what to look for. 

Lily's salvation came from the sharpness of her ears. 

"I'm so sorry, Mum! I didn't mean to make us late! I couldn't help it, though! I was just so hungry, and... Oh, Mum, do you think you can find the Leaky Cauldron with all these muggles here? It's awful crowded, Mum, what if we passed it? I don't---" 

"Peter, darling," began an exasperated voice, "I know where I am going. I have been to the Leaky Cauldron countless times, and would you try and keep your voice down about such matters while we're in places like this?"

Oh, yes. _That_ got Lily's attention. She whipped her head towards the speakers: A pudgy boy with watery blue eyes was tottering past her, bobbing along side someone whom Lily presumed to be his mother. So there was the solution to Lily's dilemma: Follow the nice magic people to the nice magic place. Brilliant.

"Mum, let's fol--"

"This is just absolutely fabulous! Oh, just imagine, Lily! You'll be able to do the laundry and fix dinner, and that way when I get home from work I won't have anything to do! It'll be marvelous!"

"And just think, Kate! No more broken sinks! No more engine problems or plugged toilets or squeaky stairs! Our Lily will take care of it all!" 

Lily blinked and glanced around her. No one was staring... yet. Perhaps if she pretended not to be related... 

"Mum, Dad, I just found a boy who---"

"With that pink frosting on them---"

"That garage door can finally be fixed---" 

Lily sighed. It was pointless. She half expected her parents to skip merrily and sing hymns of joy within the second, they were babbling so fondly of everything they could have Lily do. So with another sigh she checked her pocket for her Hogwarts letter and list, muttered something about finding a book store and being back in a few moments, before she promptly turned around and abandoned her parents, following the thick mop of blonde hair that belonged to the pudgy boy. 

__

I wonder if this means I'm a stalker now...

~*~

Lily blinked as her eyes adjusted to the dim light of the Leaky Cauldron. Her first impression of the place had not been of awed marvel; in fact, she'd only barely seen the dratted door. And once inside the pub, it was so crowded and noisy that Lily could barely judge it anyway. But she wasn't here to critique the dull pub. 

__

Now where did that boy go... She sighed. _Why can't people just do what I want them to? It would make things so much easier. _

Not the egotist in the least, that Lily. 

Thankfully, though, the splotch of straw-colored hair that belonged to Lily's unknowing guide was glimpsed by her just as a door closed on it, thus providing Lily with a destination. And so she wound her way through a clan of raucous witches dressed like daisies (to which Lily decided she didn't want to contemplate) and slipped out the heavy door, which led to---

A little alley with weeds and a garbage can. 

__

Well, this is just lovely. I suppose they vanished into thin air, then, did they? 

Sighing, Lily turned around and grabbed and turned the handle to the door that would lead her back into the Leaky Cauldron, only to find that it was locked. 

__

Brilliant. Just brilliant. 

"Fine mess you've gotten yourself into, Lily Evans, fine mess...." muttered Lily to herself. "Never should have trusted that old crackpot in the first place... and I still haven't found that Beatles record...."

"Is Miss needing help?" came an annoyingly high-pitched squeak of a voice that made Lily jump a few feet and spin around with her hands in a kung-fu fighting position. Of course, Lily didn't actually know kung-fu, but that didn't particularly matter if she acted like she did. She found, however, that she didn't need to be defensive; for the creature that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere proved to be less that three feet tall and rather pathetic-looking. Long, droopy, bat-like ears protruded from its oddly shaped head, and large, round eyes the color of murky water shown with anxious anticipation. When Lily didn't respond, the thing squealed again: "Is Miss needing any help?" 

"What the bloody hell ARE---erm, I mean, yes, yes, that would be lovely, thank you..."

__

Politeness, Lily, will get you so much further than vulgar comments. Save those for Petunia. 

The thing beamed happily. "Is Miss going to Diagon Alley?" 

"Yeah... I kind of... got stuck back here... I'd really appreciate it if you'd just open the door... you _can_ open the door, can't you?" Lily hated to think of what she'd end up doing if she was forced to live back here with this irritating creature for the rest of her life. 

The thing nodded and scampered over to the garbage can, where it proceeded to hoist itself on top of it in a most peculiar fashion. Lily had to bite her lip to keep from breaking out into hysterical laughter. She didn't trust herself to tell the thing that the door was behind her. She was just about to ask the thing if it needed any assistance getting up there when it gave one final tug and shakily stood on the lid. Then it shoved its rather squished face so close to the wall that it was merely inches apart from scraping its nose against the brick. The thing then proceeded to trace one of its long, skinny fingers along the rock, muttering things to itself. Lily stood perplexed, eyebrows quirked. Then, quite suddenly, one of the bricks began to quiver, and a small hole appeared, which swiftly began to consume the rock around it until Lily found herself standing in front of something that could be defined as a passageway into a world of wonders. 

Lily stepped through the passageway in a daze, eyes wide and round, trying to take in everything at once. She stood in awe for quite a while, staring at all the strange shops and people dressed weirdly. Then she remembered the thing and turned around to thank it, only to find that it, along with the passageway, had disappeared. Shrugging, Lily took out her supplies list and set off to shop. 

__

Let's see... wand, cauldron, telescope... Good thing I convinced Mum to let me carry her purse, looks like I'll be needing it... 

Lily walked into the first shop she saw, which happened to be the cauldron shop. Once again, Lily stood staring at everything. Cauldrons in every size and form lined the walls and were all polished proudly; the owner obviously had a fixation with cauldrons, to keep every single one of them (there were hundreds) so impeccably neat. Lily detested those awful people who could keep things clean. The fact that even the sign on the door that said "OPEN" had not one stain or scratch on it did not improve Lily's opinion of the proprietor at all. She turned back to the list.

__

Pewter, size two. What? I can't get a blue one with fish engraved in it? 

Lily picked up the required cauldron and headed to the check-out desk. The middle-aged witch standing there looked uncannily like a mouse: Gray hair, large ears, long nose, whiskers, even, and, Lily was amused to note, that even the skin looked gray. Biting her lip, Lily placed the heavy cauldron on the counter. Mouse Woman, as Lily had thought her, put down the periodical she had been consumed in and passed a curious eye over Lily. Then, sighing, she announced, in a voice that sounded much like a rodent's squeak: 

"That'll be seven sickles, please." 

Lily blinked. _Sickles? _"Excuse me?" 

Mouse Woman sighed again. "Sickles. Seven. You're muggle-born, aren't you?" 

Lily nodded. That Dumbledore person had explained about muggles. Why hadn't he mentioned anything about money? It was obvious that the wizarding currency was different. Stupid old fruitcake. 

Mouse Woman gave a half-smile. "Well, you'll need to go to Gringotts to get your muggle money exchanged for wizard money." 

Lily nodded again. "Thank you, Mrs.... erm..." 

The witch beamed. "Cauldwell, dear. Claudia Cauldwell, owner of Cauldrons Galore, home of all the best cauldrons you'll find anywhere! We have copper cauldrons, brass cauldrons, pewter cauldrons, silver cauldrons, even _gold _cauldrons! They come in all sizes and can be self-stirring or collapsible or expandable! Or _all three_! Or---"

"That is lovely, but... well, they're only _cauldrons_, Mrs. Cauldwell," Lily pointed out, a bit tentatively. This woman seemed so very enraptured by the mere thought of these rather boring objects. Which is why Mouse Woman's eyes suddenly grew the size of dinner plates. And Lily wasn't prepared for what happened after that. 

"_Only_ cauldrons? Only _cauldrons_? _Only cauldrons_?!" Mouse Woman screeched. "My dear, poor, deprived girl. Never insult the supremeness of cauldrons!" And she jumped up on the counter and began to sing, in a voice that sounded remarkably like a mouse squealing for dear life when caught in a mouse trap: "C is for the way they add Color to a room! A is for the way they're so Adorable! U is for their undeniable Usefulness! L is for the way you can't help but Love them!" At this point, Mouse Woman had added dance moves, which, and it pains me to say this, were incredibly terrible, and it pained Lily, too, who had to watch the entire scenario. "D, oh D, is for the way you Depend on them! R is for the way they help you get those potions Right! O is for how they'll Operate without effort! N is for the way they'll Never make you mad! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAULDROOOOOOOOOOOOOONS!" And Mouse Woman breathlessly ended her number by doing a spilt on the counter top and throwing her arms in the air. Lily, feeling she needed to do _something _besides shake with silent laughter, began clapping furiously and whistling. Mouse Woman smiled portentously and hopped off the counter (a little stiffly, though; thirty-nine-year-old women aren't meant to do the splits on table tops), straightening her robe, as Lily remembered they were called. 

"So you see, my dear, that cauldrons really are so much more than just cauldrons. They're what's made the world what it is today!" 

"Oh, yeah, yeah. I totally agree. Completely," lied Lily. "And did I tell you that I simply adored the way you made your voice stretch so long on that last 'cauldron'?" 

Mouse Woman beamed and began mumbling humbly. 

"Oh, no, really, Mrs. Cauldwell, it was quite inspiring." Lily sighed with exaggeration. "It's such a pity that I'll never be able to hear it again, but---"

"Oh, I could perform again, if it means that much to you!"

"No, really, that's not necessary, because I really do have to be going.... You know, Gringotts and all."

"Right, of course. Well," Mouse Woman sighed again, "it was absolutely lovely meeting such a wonderful girl, and to show my thanks, I'll just let you keep this one-of-a-kind, fabulous, magnificent, stupendous, marvelous cauldron." And she (somewhat ceremoniously and hesitantly) handed the pewter cauldron Lily had picked out to her. "Be good to each other," she said tearfully. 

"Oh, we will. Thank you so much, Mrs. Cauldwell," Lily replied earnestly. Mouse Woman nodded through her kerchief and waved them out. 

"What a nutter," Lily muttered once she had closed the shop door. Then she headed towards Gringotts (or in the general direction she thought Gringotts was located), one thought standing in her mind. 

__

Magic folk are weird. 

~*~ 

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A/N: I realize I didn't get very far into the plot (yes, there IS a plot), but it was enjoyable, wasn't it? WASN'T IT?!

Well, now that you've read all that, it seems pointless not to review, doesn't it? 


	2. Of Yellow Submarines, Purple Cats, and O...

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A/N: Well, I DID tell you that it would take a long time. And the next chapter will take a while, too. You'll live. Thank you to my reviewers. I would thank you individually, but I think I already have. Except Silvercry. Thank you Silvercry for reviewing, even though I did not ask you to and/or bug you incessantly about it. Even though you probably don't even read the author's note and will therefore never see your thanks. Even though you've probably forgotten all about this story and will therefore never come back to read it anyway. Also, what I write in this story contradicts the way that I think things actually happened (one example would be that I think James and Sirius met Remus at school, as opposed to them all being friends before). Just felt like I should throw that in. Also, pretend that when I mentioned "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" in the first chapter it read instead "Yellow Submarine". I don't know Professor Binn's first name, if he has one, or where to find it if he does. So I made one up. Live with it. _See chapter one for disclaimer. _Anyway. On with it.... 

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Dedications: Bella. I forgot to add her before. Yeah. Sorry. 

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Credits: Thanks to Beth for the "hooka pipe" thing. I also blame Beth for the "walking shag carpet" line. And... pretty much anything that has to do with the Chesire Cat will probably belongs to Beth in some way, because I modeled the Chesire Cat after her (the Chesire Cat is the purple cat, by the way). So major kudos to Beth, who added a lot of Betharization to the story. And mucho gracias to Reine who let me use the word "frolicked" even though she doesn't own it. Thanks to Bella for 1/3 of the chapter title.

225 British pounds equals somewhere around 350 US dollars. Unless that website was wrong, in which case I'm not at fault. If you have any questions about the British slang I used here.... then.... go look it up on the internet because I don't feel like explaining it. 

~*~

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Chapter Two:   
Of Yellow Submarines, Purple Cats, and Oyster Ice Cream

~*~

"Can I help yeh, Miss?"

Lily cast a skeptical look over the creature that stood in front of her. These goblins looked terribly untrustworthy, and the way they bowed at her when she came in was just _strange_. But she needed wizard money, and this was the place to get it. 

"Yes, I---"

"Yeh need to get to yer vault! Well, that's just dandy, lassie, and I happen to be able to help yeh."

"Actually, I just---"

"Now, lassie, I'll be needing yer key, and then we'll set off." 

"But I don't---"

"Misplaced yer key? Well, now, lassie, that just won't do. I'm afraid I won' be able to help yeh none if yeh don' have yer key...."

"Well, I don't---"

"Aye! Phil! O'er here, laddy!" 

Lily sighed with excruciating frustration and ignored the impulse to bash the goblin's head in with her cauldron. Things weren't supposed to be this difficult. She inwardly groaned as another goblin came trotting up, his uniform decidedly too tight. Lily crossed her arms and stopped fighting. _Might as well let the dunderheads have their morning dose of stupidity._

"What is it, Pat? Yeh need help finding the bathroom again? Yeh need to learn to find that place on yer own, laddy---"

"No, no, no, not that, Phil. This lassie here has lost her key. There's no getting into her vault without it." 

"Ah," nodded Phil intelligently. "Well, I suppose we could just give her a new vault, but then she'd lose all the money she has in her other one, a' course...."

"Right, right," agreed Pat. "Or she could come back later once she's found her key, that's always an option."

"True, true. Or---"

"Thank you for all your _marvelous_ help, gentlemen, but I realize now that I've come in here by mistake. Terribly sorry for the inconvenience, I'll just leave now." And she turned around before either of the two goblins could say anything, walking briskly out of the doors and ignoring those bowing doormen, pewter cauldron swaying with her swift strides. 

~*~

Once out of the classy bank (and far from those impertinent goblins), Lily sat on the very bottom step that belonged to the stairs that led up to the golden front doors of Gringotts. Sulkily, she set down her cauldron and put her chin in her hands and glared at the cobblestone street.

__

Now what am I supposed to do? Stupid goblins....

Lily looked up as a shadow fell over her, and straight into the merrily twinkling blue eyes of that Dumbledore madman. _Perfect. Just what I need...._

Only he didn't look _quite_ like the Albus Dumbledore that Lily had met the day before. His wardrobe consisted of a long, flowing, deep purple robe, with sequined turquoise bows protruding from it at odd places, and a very unusual train in the back that put the image of a caterpillar in Lily's mind. Dumbledore's cloak, a vivid lime green, was festooned with so many glitters and shimmers that it was nearly blinding. His beard and hair were in dreadlocks, which shocked Lily to no end, and sent her eyebrows shooting past the norm on her forehead. He was smoking a long, wooden pipe, which emitted a strange purple smoke and smelt suspiciously like Lily's favorite candy (lemon drops, of course). His wizard's hat was yet another idiosyncrasy, with it being a vibrant canary yellow, and large neon orange feathers sticking out at peculiar angles. All in all, it was a very strange site to see, and Lily was nonplussed as to what this lunatic wanted now. 

With one hand behind his back and the other gripping his hooka pipe, Dumbledore raised a cynical eyebrow at Lily and stepped back as she stood up. He then removed the pipe. 

"Well now, Miss Evans. I see you have given up." Lily blinked up at him. "Let me give you a piece of advice, as I am a renowned wizard and am ultimately knowledgeable in areas that you have no comprehension whatsoever of. The Words of Wisdom I shall bestow on you are words that you may carry with you throughout your life and beyond." Lily desperately wished this man would just hurry up and spit it out before she lost her patience and whacked him upside the head with her very heavy cauldron. "Life is like a yellow submarine, Lily. If you don't work it correctly you could wind up with icky sea water leaking in and falling on your head or having big intimidating sharks rip it to pieces while you swim for dear life. Now I want you to go out there and steer your yellow submarine the best you can." 

". . ."

__

The man is an absolute wanker.

And Lily simply stood there staring. 

Then a sudden ray of light shown down on Dumbledore and made his dreadlocks glow and the glittery clothing gleam, and Lily could almost hear the angel voices harmonizing as Dumbledore took off his cloak and ceremoniously threw it to the ground, revealing two large, purple-and-blue cloth-covered wirey things that Lily could only classify as wings. These wings, sparkly and floaty-looking, made Lily wonder why no one else was staring. Then the madman beamed proudly and pranced around the street, singing the lyrics to the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" quite loudly before traipsing off to scare someone else (_I knew he'd stolen my record..._).That's when Lily decided to scram before he came back and demanded she join him in rasping out the chorus. So she picked up her cauldron, turned around, and glared determinedly at the formidable building. Then she took confident steps up to those golden front doors and nodded importantly to the bowing goblins before continuing with her self-assured march. She stopped in front of an unoccupied clerk. 

"Good morning sir, I'd like to make an exchange," Lily said with poise. She pulled out her mother's purse (she'd stashed it in her cauldron) and took out all the cash her mother kept in there---around 225 pounds---and spread it out on the counter. The sour-looking goblin peered down its excessively long nose at Lilyy's muggle money with beady, mean little eyes. Sniffing arrogantly and stealing a swift, disdainful glance at Lily's jeans and wrinkled t-shirt, the goblin nodded curtly. 

"Very well. How would you like to receive your wizard money?" Lily blinked. 

"Excuse me?" The goblin gave a long-suffering sigh. 

"Galleons, sickles.... How would you like it?" Lily was silent and the goblin sighed exasperatedly again. "Look, miss, I am a very busy goblin, and I haven't the time to explain the currency to you. Why don't you run along now and find someone who can?" Lily faltered under the imperious stare of the dreadful creature and nodded stiffly, gathering her money and turning around in defeat. She was just about to walk out the silver doors for a second time when they opened and a very large, very purple cat with a hefty amount of fur came bounding at her. Before Lily could dive out of the way, the thing pounced on her, sending her to the ground with a dull _thump_ and her cauldron clanking loudly as it hit the marble floor. 

__

Well, isn't this just bloody lovely, Lily thought resentfully and she propped herself up by her elbows and glared at the cat (_She must weigh at least thirty pounds_, Lily deducted). "Would you mind moving, please?" 

The cat yawned and Lily could feel (and smell) it's icky cat-breath on her face. 

"You are _so_ lucky I don't have a fork with me," she told it sullenly. It grinned widely and Lily did a double take._ I'm going barmy_, she thought to herself. _Cat's don't grin. _

"And just _where_ do you think _you_ are going, Miss Lily?" purred the cat in a silky voice. Lily's elbows nearly gave out.

Now, Lily had seen a lot of weird things in her lifetime---most of them today---but never in her life had she _ever _even dreamed of finding a purple talking cat sitting on her chest. _I already am barmy_, Lily panicked, eyes growing to relatively the size of large dinner plates. She mouthed wordlessly for a few moments before stuttering out:

"Wha---What _are_ you?"

"Me? _Felis domesticus_, dear. A cat. A puss. A grimalkin. Sweetums to a few old hags that hang around the Leaky Cauldron." 

"Cats. Don't. Talk." 

"Yes, dear, and humans don't walk on all fours, but some do anyway. Nonetheless, I can talk, and I'm here to give you some advice." Recovering from the initial shock, Lily sat up straight in one quick motion and grabbed the cat under its front legs. 

"Now look here, you---you _thing_," Lily sneered. "I have had enough advice, thank you very much, and I am not about to take any ideas from a walking shag carpet who talks if it's all the same to you. And if it is, I don't care, so you can just---"

"Dear, would you belt up and listen for a moment? Put me down." Hesitatingly, Lily obediently (albeit confusedly) complied. "Now, I was just going to say before I was so rudely mistaken for carpeting, that if you would direct your attention to the plaque on the wall, you will find that it explains just what the wizarding currency is, how it operates, and how much you will get in exchange for your muggle money. After you have it all figured out, you turn around, walk to the arrogant goblin, and tell him what you want." Lily gazed at the sign. "And if he doesn't give it to you harpoon him." Lily blinked.

"Um, I don---"

"If you haven't got a harpoon you certainly should get one. They're very handy when going after whales and/or dimwitted, stuck-up goblins."

"That's---that's lovely, but---"

"And crossbows are awfully nifty, too. I had a friend who had a very spiffy crossbow. She caused the fall of the Roman empire, she was the _real _mastermind behind World War II, _and_ she once threw a spoon at a _very_ ugly poodle." 

"Erm... that's... nice.... Can you get off me now?" 

"I have to go see a man about a yellow submarine, anyway." And with that, the purple cat slowly disappeared, leaving Lily staring at air, and quite a few goblins glaring at her. She shook her head, decided she'd best not ponder the response, heaved herself up and picked up her cauldron, then walked over to the plaque the feline had mentioned.

After studying the chart for a few moments and gathering what she felt was an adequate amount of information, she stalked resolutely to that same supercilious clerk that she had dealt with before---only to be intercepted by none other than Pat and Phil. 

Lily groaned in exasperation. _This is just so bloody typical..._

"Well, look at what the cat dragged in!" Lily flinched at the phrase Pat had directed at her.

"Aye, lassie, I thought yeh'd been off?" said Phil.

"Oh... well..." 

"Oi! You there! Get over here and clean up this mess!" Shouted some aristocratic voice to Pat and Phil. The two goblins glanced at each other and then nodded. 

"Right, right, best be off to clean that..." muttered Pat, as Phil was taking a swig of what Lily recognized as Irish whiskey. Then the two bounded off, Phil pausing when Pat tripped on a suspicious-looking purple tail suspended in midair.

"So they were janitors," murmured Lily to herself. "Well, that explains it..."And with that Lily once again approached the clerk and spread out her money. 

"Sir, I would like to exchange my muggle money---" Lily winced as she heard a crash from the area that Pat and Phil had wandered to. 

"Someone! Get a potion! A medi-wizard! Enathin'!" 

"Whiskey!"

"Right then."

"For _him_, not _you_!"

Came the chorus of voices that Lily heard, one strongly Irish. She blinked and glanced up at the snooty goblin, who was looking none too happy to see her.

__

I wonder if there's any places that sell harpoons around here....

~*~

As Lily stood outside Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, she stared apprehensively at the door. _I'm really not prepared for another song and dance routine_, she thought anxiously as she walked in the store. Immediately, Lily was seized by a plump, tarried yet pleasant-looking woman, who introduced herself as Madame Malkin before taking Lily's cauldron and sending it hovering in midair by the door, then hurriedly ushering Lily to the back of the shop and standing her on a stool. 

"Wait here, dear. My assistant'll be right with you," Madame Malkin said breathlessly before toddling away. 

Lily nodded and glanced around the room, gazing at her reflection. She stared at her green eyes, so cynical-looking for an eleven-year-old's, and frowned. _What on earth have I gotten myself into?_

Just then, a middle-aged, wiry old witch stalked in, muttering obscurities, a very sour expression on her face. She was the complete opposite of Madam Malkin, and Lily was slightly startled. The assistant shot an acidic look at Lily before roughly shoving a black robe onto her tiny frame and then magically directing the needles where to sew with her wand. 

"Erm... Hello," was Lily's attempt at etiquette. It was her very first time trying to be polite in a very long time, and she wasn't quite sure how well it worked, so she studied the face of the assistant closely for the reaction. 

The assistant's look changed only in the scrunching up of her nose. She grunted in reply before _accidentally_ directing a needle to poke Lily savagely. Lily bit her lip to avoid crying out and tried to ignore the little voice in her head that kept saying, "You know karate... just one move... and no one will ever know..."

"So... how are you?" came Lily's second effort at decorum. Her question was met with a tug at the hem of her robe that nearly sent her falling from her stool. _Fine. Forget bloody civility. I'll just pretend she's not here and soon I'll be done._

This theory worked rather well for a few minutes. Then the assistant stood up and walked in front of Lily, placing her hands on her hips. She traced her cold, critical eyes over Lily's stature before sneering resentfully. Then she proceeded to yank the robe off of Lily, grabbing a few locks of her hair and tugging them viciously in the process.

Lily was a tough little girl. Sure, she didn't look it, but she certainly had a temper to match that red hair of hers, and it didn't take much to set her off. Some people were better at getting Lily angry than others (Petunia, for instance, was a complete expert at infuriating her), but nonetheless, Lily was not one to tolerate being poked and prodded and pulled needlessly when all she had done was tried her skills with propriety. 

So she spun around, spat a few choice words at the insubordinate assistant that her parents certainly wouldn't have approved of (and I'm sure the assistant was marveling at the fact that an a little girl who looked two years younger than she was knew offensive terms like that), and hopped off the stool, making a mad dash for the shop entrance/exit, still wearing the unhemmed, baggy robes. She jumped up a bit to snatch her cauldron from it's resting place in the air and threw open the door before bounding out into the street, robe unpaid for and all.

~*~

Theoretically, Lily filched the robe. But in terms of humanity, Lily earned it. And when it came to what Lily thought about the entire thing, there really isn't much to say, because Lily couldn't have cares less about it. She was more worried about not tripping over the long material while walking at a brisk pace and carrying a rather heavy cauldron than she was about having wizarding cops come and shove her in prison. 

__

Do they have wizard police? 

It doesn't matter. You don't care. 

__

I care whether there are cops tailing my bum or not....

Quiet.

After stopping at an adequate robe shop and purchasing the correct attire (and having the parcels magicked to fit into her cauldron), Lily frolicked over to some place called Flourish and Blott's, because that's where the nice witch that sold her her robes said to get her books. 

"Chivvy along, Peter, chivvy along now; we still have to go to the apothecary," said a rather annoyed looking woman as she passed Lily. She was sending Irritated Mother looks at her slightly pudgy son, whom Lily recognized from the muggle market. 

"We're going to be late to Florence Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, Mum! She's unveiling a new flavor ice cream today! OYSTER ICE CREAM, MUM! _OYSTER_!" squealed the boy, eyes growing wide with emphasis. The mother sighed exasperatedly. 

"No, Peter. Now come--- ..._Oyster_ ice cream, hmm? Well... maybe--- No! We have too many other things to do! Now come along." And she gave aa sharp yet motherly tug on his wrist, pulling him across the street.

Lily had been so involved in watching the two that she had just realized that there were three gleeful boys wreaking havoc just outside the entrance to Flourish and Blott's. The boys--- two with black hair and one with brown, and Black Hair #1 wearing wirey spectacles and looking like he'd never heard of a brush ---were painting. And not just your average, paintbrush-and-paintcan, touching-up-the-house kind of painting. Oh, no. Not from these deliciously malevolent lads. They were painting an _owl_. And what a peculiar owl it was: All a searing, blinding white. The poor thing looked none too happy at being painted greens and blues and purples and plaids. 

Lily had come to expect such idiosyncrasies in the wizarding world, but that didn't mean she had gotten used to them. She stared shamelessly at the scene, wondering what in the world the purpose was for torturing the creature.

__

Maybe they just like hearing it squawk...

In any case, Lily was perfectly comfortable gazing perplexedly at the now cow-spotted owl. It appeared that the boys were trying a number of different patterns, either because none of them seemed to fit the owl or because they just enjoyed doing it. 

__

I think they like hearing it squawk....

Lily's musings were interrupted, however, when a certain imposing and authoritative (and overall scary) presence made itself known. 

A very tall witch wearing crisp red robes with minuscule gold lions all over it and a deep velvet red witch's hat with an rather impressive gold circlet over it stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at the three guilty ones. She had put her coal-black hair in a tight bun at the base of her neck, and her lips were pursed and thin to a point where Lily thought she might eat them. The way this woman held herself left Lily quite terrified, and so she took a step back, hoping to evade sight. 

"_What_ do you _think_ you are _doing_?" she asked the trio of troublemakers, her voice commanding and frightening while she emphasized more than she needed to. They jumped a foot in the air upon hearing her voice and tried in vain to hide the paintbrushes. Black Hair #1 and Black Hair #2 smiled up at her innocently (they did an excellent job; Lily thought their expressions resembled the faces sculpted onto those holy statues of saints at churches and cathedrals) while Brown Hair kept his eyes on the ground, shamefaced. The owl (now a shocking neon green, and decorated with the most obscene graffiti) squawked approvingly at the witch's reprimand. 

"You three had better _watch_ yourselves once you get into Hogwarts! This type of _behavior_ is not tolerated! And that _poor_ owl! Don't you _ever_ do _anything_ like this again! Or you can _count_ on getting _more detentions than you can handle_ at school!" A teenage couple giggled juvenilely as they rushed past the scary woman, holding hands. "You two! _Detention_!" The boy turned around.

"But it's the summer holidays, Professor!"

"_Detention!_" 

The boy grinned and rolled his eyes before grabbing the girl's hand again and traipsing off. "I'll get _you_ at _Hogwarts_, boy!" shouted the witch, the professor, before turning back to the Troublemaking Three, only to find that they'd disappeared, leaving only their pallets and brushes as evidence of the prior scene (apparently they'd taken the owl with them). The Queen of Detentions (as Lily had taken to calling her) glared fervently at the leftover pallets before switching her trained eyes to Lily's curious face. 

"_You_," the Queen of Detentions spat maliciously, pointing her straight, imposing finger inches from Lily's nose. "You _do_ know that staring is _rude_ and _improper_, don't you? _Obviously_ you _do_, as any self-respecting parent would _teach _their child that. _Why,_ then, do you _stare_? _DETENTION_!" Lily never had a chance to put in her two cents. Not that she would have dared interrupt the Queen of Detentions, anyway. She'd probably have been prosecuted or executed or whatever they did to people in this crazy place. Lily just stepped back away from the Queen, and kept stepping back, away from that accusing finger and ominous glare and emphasizing voice, until she had stepped back far enough to crash into the door to Flourish and Blotts, which she promptly whirled around and opened before bounding through.

~*~

Emerging from the bookshop precisely two and a half hours later (and dragging a trunk full of her newly-purchased books, robes, and cauldron behind her), Lily felt she was a new woman. 

__

I feel like a new woman....

Shut up. 

So she didn't _really_ feel like a brand new woman. That would be hard to do, considering the laws of whatever rule pertains to something like that. But she _did _feel a great deal more knowledgeable about her position in the wizarding world and just _what _exactly these magic folk did. 

Books were wonderful objects, she had decided. And they had certainly provided her with more information than that weirdo Dumbledore had. And according to a rather fascinating book she'd picked out, she wouldn't be able to use her magic during summer break due to wizarding laws and restrictions. Which meant no cleaning house, no cooking, and no repairing.

Oh, the devastation. 

Of course, it also meant no hexing Petunia with the Warty Whizzer spell she'd glanced, but hey, you give a little to get a little. 

The book also went on to mention bits about what you could use toe fungus for in your everyday potions and brews, but being the very, very good person that I am, I will not list them, as they are likely to make you regurgitate whatever you had for lunch. 

And so Lily walked contentedly down the walk, dragging her trunk while reading _100 Spells to Get Rid of Household Pests _(Lily was trying to find something on irritable older sisters in there somewhere). 

Now, as you know, not watching where you're walking is a relatively dangerous thing to do. Not as dangerous as setting fire to your boss's office trash can or trusting teenagers in kitchens, but dangerous nonetheless. You could accidentally run into someone and dislocate their chin, and then where would you be? 

Poor Lily, however, didn't know this, and she'd be worse off for it. 

Her jolly pace was broken as she bumped into an excessive stomach and bounced off it, stumbling to the ground and dropping her book, which just narrowly missed splashing into a peculiar looking puddle of... something orange. Somewhere above her, she heard a distinctly ape-ish voice. 

"Goyle, I think you killed her..."

"Doh-oh...."

Lily opened her glaring eyes and snatched up her book. "I greatly appreciate having you two morons run into me and knock me over," Lily started, ignoring the fact that she had run into them and instead double-checking her book to make sure it wasn't damaged, "thereby spilling my possessions and not helping me gather them as any normal person would. Really, I'm very appreciative," she finished as she grabbed the handle of her trunk. "Now, would you two dunderheads mind _moving_ so that I might be able to pass?"

"Duh-uh...." 

Lily rolled her eyes and cursed her luck, wondering what god she had angered now to deserve such treatment. It really wasn't fair, after all. All of this running into the worst sorts of people, talking to purple cats, it really was unnecessary. And now she had to deal with stupid gorillas? 

She glared daggers and blood at the two primates, putting all of her frustration into her expression, hoping they would tear off in the other direction screaming for their mummies. 

She didn't get quite the effect she'd hoped for.

"You're a Slytherin, aren't you? Wassyer name?"

"Mary Poppins," Lily answered sarcastically and somewhat bitterly. (Well, they weren't screaming. That could make anyone bitter.)

"How old are you, Mary?" 

"Eleven. I would ask you how old you are, but I doubt you can count that high." 

"Yurp, she's a Slytherin all right. Whaddaya say we have ice cream together, a meal for mighty Slytherins, eh Goyle?" 

"Uh-huh," Goyle nodded fervently. And before Lily could protest, she was dragged into Florence Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. 

Poor Lily. She didn't even have time for a cynical remark before she was thrown into another nut house. 

~*~

"Double fudge chunk with peanut butter syrup," said Goyle through a mouthful of that ice cream.

"Maple chocolate mint with cinnamon pudding and marshmallow cream," argued Crabbe, the aforementioned dripping down his four chins. It was the most Lily had heard him say. Not that she wanted to hear him talk anyway. At the moment, all Lily wanted was to escape Florence's shop and the squabble about which ice cream was better. She hadn't even touched her blueberry muffin ice cream, which Goyle had ordered for her. Not that she wanted to eat it anyway. She simply sat sullenly at the white circular table, glaring at Goyle and Crabbe and her ice cream. 

__

This is truly punishment for something utterly despicable I've done in a past life....

And she continued to glare. 

And glare. 

And glare.

And after getting tired of glaring (being that no one seemed to care, and the ice cream wasn't even melting from the heat she radiated with those looks), she directed her attention to the other conversations as to avoid going insane.

"You'll die a horrible death," said a fairly young-looking witch with excessive jewelry and glasses far too big for her face to a rather large man with a moustache who paid her no attention at all. "Terribly awful will the fire that will consume you be. Just _dreadful_," emphasized the witch, obviously trying to get a gasp of terror from the man, or at least a grunt of some kind. He merely went on eating his oyster ice cream, not even glancing up at the woman. "There'll be a lovely funeral for you, Joonius, and the tragedy of your death will be largely mourned by all your students." The woman sighed. "And then you'll come back as a ghost and keep teaching because you're just that dim and tedious, and all the students will know you as 'Professor Binns, that boring ghost who teaches History of Magic," she added in a last futile attempt to get any response from "Joonius".

Lily blinked. _That_ was her History of Magic teacher?

Boy, was Lily going to be learning _a lot _at Hogwarts.

Just then, a large tub marked "Oyster Ice Cream" crashed to the floor on its side, spilling out not only oyster ice cream, but also three little girls, none over five years old, who were covered in it. Florence came rushing over, her kind features bent into a look of anger. She stood imperiously over the three girls with her hands on her hips, her eight-year-old son, Florean, poking his head out from around her legs. 

"Flora Francine Fortescue," began Florence, glaring at the tallest girl, who had her mother's dark chocolate-colored hair. "I am _ashamed_ and utterly _appalled_ at your behavior. I trusted you girls not to get up to any trouble today, and what do you go and do?" 

"But Mummy, they're OYSTERS! OYSTERS ARE GROOVY!" Florence put her hands to her temples. 

"It was all her fault, Mrs. Fortescue," began the girl to the right of Flora. "She forced me to climb into that tub and eat that ice cream. I had no cho--"

"Oh, stuff it! You were just whining about how Lulu was hogging it all!" Flora nodded her head to the last girl, the tiniest, and the dirtiest. Lulu didn't do anything to show that she had heard them. Instead, she continued licking her fingers and chewing on her ice cream-soaked hair. 

Lily blinked at Lulu. _What an odd assortment of children_, she thought. She looked back at Crabbe and Goyle. 

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

It was as though she were continually banging her head against a brick wall. _This is the kind of thing that makes people go insane. _

At that precise moment, a tall, thin girl that looked about Lily's age came barging through the door to the shop, long hair tousled, looking livid. 

"_You_!" She pointed her finger at Flora and her friends. "What have you done?! You've wasted perfectly good oyster ice cream! This is horrendous! Terrible! An utter scandal! How _could_ you?!" The girls merely blinked at her with a mixture of childlike confusion and innocence. Florence ignored this new character and was instead making herself a cup of hot tea. The Psychotic Newcomer glared at the three girls. "You shall pay for this! The Great Baboon will not be pleased!" 

Let us take this opportunity to pause and sympathize for our poor Lily, who would need much therapy after the day was over.

Done? Good.

The Psychotic Newcomer glanced at Lily then. Then she glanced at Goyle and Crabbe. Then back at Lily. Then she strode over to the table and pushed Goyle and Crabbe by the back of their heads into their bowls of ice cream. Lily barely had time to grab her trunk handle before the Psychotic Newcomer snatched her sleeve and pulled her out of the shop.

~*~

"I'm neighbors with those two daffodils, so I know how you felt. No charge on me rescuing you, I do rescues all the time. But if you feel the need to repay me I've got nothing against it. A gift certificate to Zonko's would do me just fine. Name's Bella, by the way. Arabella Figg, actually, but you can call me 'Your Majesty'." Lily nodded slowly. They were walking down the main street, right down the center of it, and Bella was leading the way. 

That girl scared Lily in a strange way. Lily had thought that she wouldn't be the only one alarmed by this loony presence, but then she remembered that no, she shouldn't assume things in this crazy place, because she would only be proved terribly, terribly wrong.

"And then I said, 'Well, I've got an aunt who can make a great Tabasco pie,' and he walked away shaking his head. Anyway, what's your name?"

"Mary Poppins," said Lily dazedly. 

"SPIFFY! What's your real name?"

"Huh?" Lily blinked. "Oh. Lily Evans." 

"I like Mary Poppins better. C'mon, Mary, let's go in here." Bella tugged Lily into a store called "Quality Quidditch Supplies". Judging by the insides of the store, they either sold sports equipment or kitchen utensils. Lily would have believed either one. There really was no telling with these magic folk. 

"Pookey, this is Mary, a penguin I rescued from a pair of gorillas today. Mary, this is Pookey. He's a professional ballerina," Bella gestured to the store clerk, who was flipping through what looked like a broom catalog. "'Lo Mary," nodded the clerk. "I'm Eddie, Bella's brother."

"Hello," said Lily politely. She waited for Eddie to start raving about emus or something equally unorthodox. He went back to his catalog. Then Bella began to whack him on the head with one of those club things lying about and Lily decided to browse a bit. 

The store was rather large, with all sorts of odd things in it. More of those clubs, strange balls, quite a large selection of brooms, and what Lily assumed were uniforms. When she got to the back of the store, however, Lily saw a most peculiar item. 

Three boys, whom she recognized as Black Hair #1, Black Hair #2, and Brown Hair, were wearing those uniforms, and were riding the brooms, throwing around one of the red balls. Black Hair #1 swooped down upon noticing Lily and hopped off his broom. 

""Lo there, I'm James Potter. These are my associates Remus Lupin," Brown Hair joined them on the ground, "And Sirius Black." Black Hair #2 grinned at Lily and nodded to her. "We were just testing these lovely Quidditch appliances to make sure they were up to beat. Care to join us?" 

"What's Quidditch?" 

There were three gasps and a _THUD_ as Sirius fell off his broom. 

"Only the greatest wizarding sport in the world! I'll explain it. It's--"

"OH! _That_ Quidditch!" exclaimed Lily, feigning recognition so that she wouldn't have to sit through a detailed rant about the Wonders of Quidditch, much like the one she'd listened to about the Wonders of Soccer when she had asked her father about it years ago. James blinked. 

"Grab a broom, then." 

__

Broom? Fly? In the air? No. No way. Never. 

"Sure." 

And Lily hopped onto a Moonduster, promptly crashing into a wall that held those gnarly, knotted rocks, thereby sending one of those dreadful things to conk her on her head. She rubbed the spot gingerly and glanced at the Three Madmen, as Lily had decided to call them, who didn't seem to notice. They were, instead, tugging on the wings of a small golden ball. There came a distinct hoot from above her head, and Lily looked up to see a purple owl with yellow stars sitting in a cage on a top shelf. Lily turned back to the boys. 

"These jerseys really are nice," remarked the one called Sirius. He blew his nose on the sleeve. "And so soft, too!" The owl squawked disapprovingly at Sirius. Lily's broom banged into the wall again, sending another rock to her head. 

"What's all that racket back there?" yelled the voice of Eddie. 

"Don't worry, dear brother! I'll save you!" came Bella's cry of courage. 

"OW! Bella! Stop that!"

Lily groaned and tried to steer her broom away from the wall as it was too high for her to merely jump off. Once she managed to turn the dratted thing around, it took off for the front of the store, and Lily managed to halt it just before it crashed into the door. She looked at Bella and Eddie, who were staring at her. She smiled nervously and swung herself off the broom carefully, giving it a slight pat. It zoomed off to the back of the shop. Bella and Eddie still hadn't moved or said anything. 

"I'll.. er... I'll just be going now." And she grabbed the handle of her trunk and tore out of Quality Quidditch supplies before Bella could clobber her on the head with one of those clubs. 

~*~

After Lily felt sure that Bella wouldn't come chasing after her (or Eddie, for that matter; he _did _work there, after all), Lily made a quick stop at the Apothecary to pick up the Potions supplies that were on her list before going into the Magical Menagerie, a place where she expected to purchase a pet. 

Lily had always wanted a pet. She loved animals. She once slept over at a friend's house, and they had a large Siamese cat, and it had taken to Lily quite well. Lily woke the next morning to the cat curled up at her feet. But Petunia was allergic to dogs and cats, and she detested birds. This left Lily to choose between a goldfish and a turtle. Both perfectly fine animals, but not _quite_ what Lily would have wanted. 

But there was no Mum or Dad to tell her no today, and no Petunia to remind them to, and so that left Lily to take as many liberties as she wanted. 

The clerk led her to a corner of the shop that was infested with cats. Cats dozing in baskets, cats chasing yarn, cats devouring mice, and even a very familiar purple cat hanging by its tail from a tree. It waved a purple paw and grinned. 

"Would you like that one?" asked the clerk, noticing Lily staring at the dreadful thing. Lily blinked and looked up at the man.

"No, I don't think so. What about owls?" 

~*~

Lily emerged from the store later with a tiny, tawny, and rather fluffy owl, whom Lily had named Geneva. From the first moment Geneva had snipped Lily on her finger, Lily knew that she was meant to have the owl. Geneva had a very cynical and snappish look about her small being, especially for an owl. She had given the clerk a peck that would need a band-aid (the owl, not Lily) and another bite at being shoved into a cage. And now Geneva was sitting happily on the bar in her cage, because Lily had cooed to her what a special owl she was, and she would have a lovely new person to attack once she got home. 

"I do believe you and Petunia will get along quite wonderfully," Lily was telling Geneva, just before she was interrupted. 

"YOU! _DENTENTION!_" screeched a voice Lily hadn't looked forward to hearing again. Lily turned her head to see the Queen of Detentions pointing her imperious finger at Lily while dashing towards her. She grabbed her trunk handle and Geneva's cage and ran through a tiny alley between two stores. Tiny, but long. And when it ended, she found herself on a much darker street than that of Diagon Alley. Horrible creatures were tottering around, and shadows seemed to creep along by themselves. Lily glimpsed at sign above a shop. _Ominia's Oddities of Knockturn Alley_, it read. The windows of the shop portrayed utterly gruesome contraptions. Jagged knives eerily tainted with a suspicious red, vials of terrifying things that I'm too nice to mention, and an orb that glowed a menacing black.

And Lily knew that whatever strange things she had met earlier that day were no match for what she was going to meet at this place.


	3. Lily Evan's, Wonder Witch Extraordinaire

A/N: Last chapter. Written at eleven at night. That should explain things.... Enjoy. 

~*~

__

Chapter Three:

Lily Evans, Wonder Witch Extraordinaire

~*~

Some of them were staring at her. Those shady people around Knockturn Alley. Lily didn't like it. At all. She stood there on the cobblestone street, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. Geneva hooted her discomfort. Lily shushed her and looked around. 

Now don't let this situation give you the wrong impression. Lily is indeed a very intelligent girl, and I'm sure that if her head wasn't so full of confusion and anxiety that she would have done the smart thing and ran back down the tiny, long alley and into the comforting streets of Diagon Alley, even if it did mean facing the Queen of Detentions. But Lily was too caught up in being uneasy to do the smart thing. 

As her luck would have it, two boys strode towards her at that moment, each with a decidedly evil look about them.

"Well, look what we have here, Severus," sneered the one with white-blonde hair. "A lost little girl." Lily narrowed her eyes, indignant. The boy was more wimpy-looking than she was, and that was saying something. 

__

I am not wimpy-looking.

"What's your name, girl?" nodded the one with oily black hair. 

"Mary Poppins," said Lily promptly. 

"That's a dumb name," said the Oily Bloke. 

"So is Severus," retorted Lily. 

"What're you doing here, Poppins? You don't look like you belong here. You're prolly a muggle. You're a filthy muggle, aren't you, Poppins?" sneered Sir Sneer-a-lot. 

"Like you're really fit to call anyone filthy." My, wasn't Lily being brave? The Oily Bloke and Sir Sneer-a-lot exchanged looks. 

"I'd say you need a lesson in manners, Poppins," stated the Oily Bloke, smirking cruelly and stepping towards Lily. Sir Sneer-a-lot grinned/sneered with vicious anticipation and stepped towards her as well. Lily didn't have time to run. But she didn't need time. She didn't even need to run. Because it was at that precise moment that the two goons were hit in the face with something disgusting looking that, a few seconds later, exploded on their faces and sent them unconscious to the ground. Bella emerged from the alley directly afterwards while Lily was staring down at the buffoons in wonder. 

"Gunpowder pudding," said Bella to Lily as she too looked down at the boys. "Always comes in handy." She put her hands on her hips and turned to Lily. "Why didn't you _tell _me you were going to Knockturn Alley? How come you didn't take me with you? I rescued you! You owed me!"

"You said you didn't expect me to pay you back..."

"I only said that because I meant the opposite!" 

"Well, that makes sense," replied Lily in a bitter tone as she drug her trunk and Geneva down the tiny, long alley, back to Diagon Alley. 

"I'm glad you think so," returned Bella as she strode along side Lily.

"I could have handled it back there, you know. You didn't have to come along with your gunpowder jell-o---"

"Gunpowder pudding."

"Whatever. I would have been fine." 

"Oh, yes, Mary Poppins, Wonder Witch Extraordinaire, knows how to get herself out of every little bubble, does she, hmm?"

"That's 'Lily Evans, Wonder Witch Extraordinaire,'" corrected Lily. Bella rolled her eyes. 

"That's twice I've rescued you, you know. I think you should treat me to oyster ice cream."

"Oh! Look! They're giving away free furry purple monsters with orange teeth!" 

"WHERE?!" And Bella trounced off in the direction Lily pointed. Lily shook her head and wandered around Diagon Alley, not really knowing where she was going, just relieved that she was no longer in Knockturn Alley.

"I like that Bella child," said the purple cat that annoyed Lily so much. It had just materialized out of nothing.

"You would," she snapped at it. 

"My, my, just a tad bit irrate, aren't you?" Lily glared at the cat. "What are you planning on doing now? Walk around until you bump into Dumbledore the Butterfly?" Lily's featured dissolved into a horrified look. "I suggest you get your wand, dear." 

"But--- Well, I suppose... I was going to, anyway." 

"Of course you were, dear." Lily glared at the cat again. 

"Go away." 

"Don't you want me to lead you to Ollivander's Wand Shop?" Lily considered the purple feline. 

"I'm not going to have to give you oyster ice cream, am I?" The cat blinked.

"No. Though a grenade launcher would be nice..." 

"Just take me there."

"Will you get me a grenade launcher?"

~*~

Lily stepped into Ollivander's Wand Shop some thirty minutes later, quite annoyed. She was nearly at her wit's end, and the day wasn't showing any signs of letting up. 

"Ah, Mary Poppins. I've been expecting you..." Lily blinked.

"I'm Lily Evans, sir." Ollivander blinked and squinted at her.

"Well, yes, of course, that's what I meant." He snapped his fingers and a tape measure was suddenly measuring her while Ollivander disappeared down one of the aisles, muttering to himself. By the time Ollivander had returned (with an armload of boxes of wands), the tape measure had twisted itself tightly around Lily and seemed to be stuck. Ollivander snapped his fingers again (after he had placed the wands on the counter) and it was gone. He then unwrapped the nearest box and handed Lily the wand. "Try this one." 

Lily tried that one. It shattered the shop window and Ollivander promptly snatched it away, replacing it with a different one, which sent three boxes falling on his head from their place on the top shelf above his counter. Ollivander wearily placed wand after wand in Lily's hands, and by the seventeenth try, poor Mr. Ollivander knew he'd be needing a trip to the medi-wizard in the morning. 

"Maybe I'm just not magical," suggested Lily as she sullenly place the eighteenth wand back in its box.

"Mar--- er, Lily, you know that you wouldn't have gotten that acceptance letter if you weren't. You're just as magical as the restt of us. Probably more so than some. That's why finding you a wand is so difficult, because you're special." 

Lily was too intelligent to buy into Ollivander's little speech, but she smiled gratefully all the same, letting the man think that he had helped her. She took the wand he held out to her.

And as Lily cautiously moved the nineteenth wand from right to left by an 2.4 inches, a most wonderful thing happened: Lovely golden stars were emitted and Ollivander, who had taken cover behind his counter, stood slowly. Then he began clapping and shouting congratulations, even knocking off half the price of the wand in his enthusiastic relief. And Lily was certainly not one to object. 

~*~

After depositing the remains of her money in Gringotts, Lily wandered around Diagon Alley a bit more. It was getting old. She had gotten everything she needed from her list, and she needed to go home. Her parents were undoubtedly worried about her. Either that or they hadn't even noticed she'd left, but either way she needed to get back. Who knew what her parents would get up to without her there to watch them? 

The problem Lily faced was not knowing exactly how to get back. She knew the way she came; but that passageway wasn't there anymore. 

__

Perhaps the only way to get in or out is by having one of those things open whatever it is, thought Lily. She stood staring at the air where the passageway was supposed to be and sighed. It was useless. She turned around and sat on her trunk, peering at Geneva. 

"Fine mess this is," she said to the owl. "Maybe if I clicked my heels together and---" 

"_DETENTION!" _screamed the Queen of Detentions. Lily looked up to see the horrid woman standing before her, pointing her awful finger accusingly. An entire horde of people was behind her, compiled of all the people Lily had met so far. Dumbledore the Butterfly was singing "Yellow Submarine" and yelling for her to join in. Pat and Phil were bobbing around, singing with Dumbledore, obviously drunk off that Irish whiskey. Madame Malkin's assistant was cackling madly while pointing a needle at Lily. Peter was tugging at his mother to take him to Quality Quidditch Supplies while pointing to Lily, saying, "But she got to go!" The Three Madmen were bobbing on brooms in Quidditch jerseys, gesturing at Lily and laughing over her flying skills. Crabbe and Goyle were there, ice cream sticking to their chubby faces, still arguing in that intelligent way of theirs. Bella was yelling to Lily about her new pet fluffy purple monster with orange teeth, whom she had named Owen. The Oily Bloke and Sir Sneer-a-lot stood by, spewing out insults and mocking the poor girl. Ollivander was running around with his hands over his head, screaming things like "Take cover!" and "Get down!" And the purple cat's face was magnified and almost translucent in the sky. "When can I have my grenade launcher?" it kept asking her. 

It was truly maddening. 

At last, at long last, when Lily just could _not_ hold up any longer, she grabbed her wand and held it in front of her. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, hoping to block out all the voices. They didn't cease. 

"STOP!" she yelled. 

And they stopped. 

~*~

Lily opened her eyes and looked around her. She was in a bed. _Her_ bed. In _her_ room. 

__

A dream. Just a dream! 

And she sprang up, smiling like she's just been proclaimed Ruler of the Universe. 

And that's when she heard a hoot. 

She closed her eyes briefly before glancing at the corner of her bed. And owl sat there. Holding a letter in its beak. 

Lily closed her eyes and dropped backwards onto her pillows._ No. Bloody. Way._

She sat up and looked at the corner again. The owl was still there, staring at her oddly. 

"Don't look at me like that," she snapped at it. It hopped onto her lap and dropped the letter there, staring up at her expectantly. She picked it up and flipped it over, recognizing the seal and the green ink. 

__

Well, on the bright side, I can eat my eggs this morning.

~*~

A/N: I begun at 11. It's 1:40 now. That's my excuse. 

This is the last story I'm posting on fanfiction.net. I don't feel like telling you why. Instead I'm just going to say that I've decided ff.net is too much trouble for me anymore. So this is just to say so. So that you're not wondering where the hell I am or if I've been kidnapped by spoons or something equally evil. Because I know you would wonder about me, because I know you care about me. Don't look at me like that.... 

So yeah. Be a dear and review. 


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